“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
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i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers