Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
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Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
never forget
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.