*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
You Might Also Like
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Kids, do not try this at home!
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.