*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
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Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.