[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
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Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!