Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
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Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.