If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
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[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?