[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
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If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
The happy life.. 😊
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*