What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
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My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.