wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
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They’re on their honeymoon
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11