Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
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GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”