Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
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Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]