“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
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Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.