genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
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This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
real
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?