My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
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My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Death certificates are our last participation award.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.