It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
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How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
All is fair in drunk and war.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
There are no pants in heaven.
Terribly Tuesday.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.