Kentucky names the shit out of places
You Might Also Like
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I have never related to anyone more.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.