The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
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No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.