Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
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My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop