My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
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AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.