Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
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Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone