HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
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spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
There are usually two types of merchants.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I’m having an out of money experience.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.