[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
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When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Why am I like this?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Favourite diary entry ever
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.