“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
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“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
want me to check your oil?
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny