“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
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My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.