*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
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Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
The old gods are rising again.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Duolingo getting serious.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Thursday
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁