Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
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Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I’m having an out of money experience.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Europe. Made in Germany.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*