Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
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I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.