Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
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“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
The news is so predictable nowadays
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.