ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
You Might Also Like
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Phonetics
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english