Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
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Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.