Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
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doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.