Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
You Might Also Like
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Realize this:
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Feels
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.