We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
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Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies