[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
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Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.