Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
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What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.