GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
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When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*