My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
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old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.