[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
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Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
What?!?
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.