If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
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Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.