Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
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There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
6: are snakes just neck?
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
😂😂😂
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.