Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
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Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.