My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
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[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.