It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
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You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
beware of dog
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.