Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
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Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I’m an avid indoorsman.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched