(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
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my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.