I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
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first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married