FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
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You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
*cough*
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman