[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
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[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.