The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
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Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
A drum solo but on your face.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
All is fair in drunk and war.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever